The Jamestown Gazette

Call Me Maybe - for Choir and Orchestra (by Colin Britt)

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 23:52:56 -0500

Call Me Maybe - for Choir and Orchestra (by Colin Britt)

Coincidence, or conspiracy?

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 08:05:06 -0400

Coincidence, or conspiracy?

“This book delivers, big!” - The New York...

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 18:30:54 -0400

“This book delivers, big!” - The New York Times

“…hard to get into, but the ending is completely satisfying.” -The Daily Prophet

“…it’s very, very long.” -Us Weekly

And the Band Played on...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 00:08:00 -0400

And the Band Played on...:

The true true story, uncovered by news team College Humor.

Life Advice #1

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 21:12:58 -0400

If you’re going to let your sister dye your hair, think about it first. If you want it to be blond, bleach it first, then dye it a more sensible yellow. Do not try to go straight from brown to blond, as you will get red. And don’t try again after that; you will get orange.

If you’re the kind of person who wants blond hair but loves gingers, you’ll be happy no matter what you do.

Although I miss having a soul.

Mission Statement

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 21:11:04 -0400

So, I’ve had this tumblr thing for a few months. I don’t really know why I set it up in the first place, but then this band I’m in (as yet unnamed but the tumblr page is Honorable Ohm Universe) formed and so I decided I should just go ahead and keep my tumblr. I’ve always had ideas for spoof news stories à la The Onion, and, with no foreseeable career path that would ever take me to work for that fine enterprise to which I now pay homage in this blog, I decided I should really start sharing my ideas with the world, and that satirical output would be the purpose what I would use this blog. I renamed the blog (from whatever it was) to the tongue-in-cheek Jamestown Gazette (my apologies to the periodical of the same name which I’m sure exists), and I was set.

Around the same time, I deactivated my Facebook account, following in the footsteps of the wise Zac A Pierce, and while it’s great not to be entangled in the snares of that social networking/ CIA initiative behemoth, I still like the idea of having an accessible, personal webspace to share my latest goings-on with friends. The fact that an actual desire to keep up with a person is generally a pre-requisite for following them on tumblr means that I’m sharing info with people who are real-life friends, so I have to waste neither my time nor that of acquaintances who don’t really need updates on my life.

So we now have a holistic picture of what The Jamestown Gazette is going to be from here on out: an online periodical combining personal blog with the random satirical thoughts that enter my head. Everything that’s going on in Jamestown, as it were. Which is a slight nod to the Daily Tucker, mentioned in an episode of The Onion News Network (which, if the good folks at The Onion ever happen to read this post, more likely than not to investigate copyright infringements I’ll probably be making inadvertently, I highly recommend be made a feature on the Onion website).

And, finally, as to the comment on the CIA’s Facebook Initiative (yet another shamelessly stolen Onion gem), think about it, people. It’s a website for putting every piece of personal information about yourself on public display- not only enough pictures of yourself to identify you in any situation or haircut, but also updates on recently visited locations and locations you’ll be visiting in the near future. If that’s not a totalitarian population-monitoring cyber-tool, poorly-disguised by the fun of social assimilation and mass consumerism eerily evocative of Brave New World, Aldous Huxley can rest easy.

That sure was anticlimactic.

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 16:05:05 -0400

That sure was anticlimactic. :

We were all doomed.

Imagine

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 08:05:05 -0400

All jokes aside, Josh Revier is an amazing person.

psywriter:

Once every year you were sent to live out in the wilderness.

Once every month you had to fast.

Once every week you dedicated time to service and volunteer.

Once every day you hugged a stranger.

Once every hour you actually engaged in an actual conversation with the person you said “hi” to.

Once every minute you remembered some random Bible verse.

And Once Every Second, you praised God.

Not knowing what to do about good friends who are raising punk kids. | Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 01:07:00 -0400

Not knowing what to do about good friends who are raising punk kids. | Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff:

Christian parents continue to be baffled by their peers’ ability to raise imperfect offspring, reports John Acuff.

Harry Potter and the Empire's Strike Back

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 21:51:06 -0400

Harry: You killed my parents!
Voldemort: No, I am your parents!
Harry: What?! NO! IT CAN'T BE!!! (throws down wand and weeps)
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!... This is too easy.

Pulitzer-Prize-Winning* Newsgroup Covers Grave Injustice

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 21:45:56 -0400

Pulitzer-Prize-Winning* Newsgroup Covers Grave Injustice:

*In a fair world, anyway

What’s your favorite blending power? Liquefy:...

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 00:03:00 -0400

What’s your favorite blending power?

Liquefy: 47%
Obliterate: 23%
Ice-Crush: 12%
Diamond-Cutter: 10%
Destroy the Evidence: 4%
Other: 4%

"Stop reading the internet and do something with your life."

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 22:56:22 -0400

“Stop reading the internet and do something with your life.”

- Your conscience

This woman will stop at nothing to make you love her. But to...

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 22:47:00 -0400

This woman will stop at nothing to make you love her. But to what end?

Public Classical Music Station to Switch to All-Charity Drive Format

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 15:40:00 -0400

DENVER, CO

Colorado Public Radio announced Tuesday, August 16, 2011, that classical music station KVOD 88.1 FM will be shifting to an all-charity drive format within the coming month.

Warren Olsen, chairman of the board, explained the reasons for this redesign in programming: “We at CPR believe that listeners are ready for a change, and we’re so excited at this opportunity to provide them with a radically new approach to radio broadcasting. For most of our long-time listeners, this change will go virtually unnoticed.”

Olsen added, “Endless fundraisers have long been our true passion at CPR, and personally, I know that just imagining the guilt felt by non-donating listeners after enduring a week-long charity drive is what gets me through the day.”

President Max Wycisk explained further, “It’s very important to offer people the chance to give us their money, especially because, from what I understand, most of the money that we already have is from rich people who like to listen to fancy music. If we can eliminate the fancy music, we can reach the entire spectrum of rich people without turning away the uncultured ones. I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner.”

From a financial perspective, radio stations, TV stations, and other things that have to do with doing things that cost money, have always found free donations to be quite nice.

Jenny Gentry, Vice President of Finance and Legal Affairs, stated, “We’ve been spending a lot of money lately in pursuit of providing people classical music. It’s only logical that, the more we ask for money, the more we’ll get. Spending our money producing new ways to ask for money should turn a profit, which is really what we’ve been getting at all along.”

Gentry added, “Nobody really wants to be a non-profit, anyway.”

Host Monika Vischer is more than ready to ditch the classical music pretense. She commented, “We’ve been moving in this direction for a long time, pushing the envelope as to how much fundraising listeners are willing to put up with in between selections of some of the most beautiful and provocative compositions written by true master composers and played by the most virtuosic performers within the realm of art music. Or whatever.”

Vischer is also excited that the near-complete elimination of classical music from the station’s lineup will finally give her a chance not to mispronounce the last name of beloved composer Johann Sebastian Bach.

“I always took a lot of crap from the classical music nerds about that, but what can you do? This stuff is just not my thing.”

CPR listeners will always have a special place in their hearts for classical music, which is why programming directors have begrudgingly decided to include a half-hour segment of music from 2:30-3:00 am.

President Wycisk explained, “We don’t want to lose funding from the classical music geeks, so we’re giving them this as a compromise. Maybe if they keep donating, we’ll add another 5 minutes on. But we really don’t want to.”

Analysts predict that, despite the highly-publicized programming shift to come, baby-sitters will continue to be confused as to why a radio network called “CPR” offers no programming whatsoever pertaining to the topic of manual first aid.

"Life is a shipwreck, but we must remember to sing in the lifeboats."

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 03:06:12 -0500

“Life is a shipwreck, but we must remember to sing in the lifeboats.”

- Voltaire